Humor and Jokes from Russia

- I see, You bought Computer and got Internet connection!
- Yes! But how did you know about?
- I see it in your eyes.
- My eyes are more clever now?
- No, your eyes more red now ...

The cat!
When the husband comes home from work he is met by his wife who is crying. 
“What’s happened, my honey?” he asks. 
“I baked a lot of cakes,” she says, “but the cat ate them all.”
“Don’t worry dear,” he replies, “I’ll buy you a new cat.”


In Russia often whole big family live in one small flat.
One husband call his wife:
Darling, today we will have so wonderful night. I have bought 3 tickets to Theater!
Wife: Dear, why 3?
Husband: It is for mother, for father and for grandmother!


Password - as cognac: than more asterisks, that more complex to fake it.


Wife: - Honey, we have today an anniversary of our weddings,
Darling, - let, we cut the pig for our anniversary party?
Husband: - A Pig? Oh, Dear, We must to cut your brother. He has introduced you to me.


Hard life of programmers ...
Dialogue between programmer and his wife at night, after work:
Husband come to homeward: Good evening dear, I`m now logged in.
His wife: Did You bought bread?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
wife: But I has asked you else in the morning.
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
wife: What about a new television set?
Husband: Variable not found...
wife: At least, give me credit card, I want to go in the shop.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
wife: Do You love me or you love only computers or you simply sneer at me?
Husband: Too many parameters...
wife: In vain, I was married ....
Husband: Data type mismatch.
wife: You in general stupid...
Husband: It is by Default.
wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use... Try after some time.
wife: What mine position in our family?
Husband: Unknown Virus ......................


MSDOS - first love.
WIN3.1 - first making love.
WIN95 - first wife.
WIN98 - first mistress.
WINNT - first boss.
LINUX - neighbour's wife.
WIN2000- second wife.
WINxp - second mistress.


To Learn, to learn and once again to learn - because you never can to find any work Here.


Hereditary lazy is that man, who even laziness to do inheritors (heirs).


If You have no problems - (signifies) You have died.


Тeасher: Georgie, what is a synonym?
Geоrgie: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.


I was wearing that hat

As you know winter is VERY cold in Russia. There’s this fisherman fishing on an icy river and he is freezing. Despite how cold he is,
his hat is not on his head but rather lying on the ground beside him.
A second fisherman passes by and asks him why he isn’t wearing his hat as the weather is so cold.
“Well,” he replies, “Yesterday when I was wearing that hat, someone offered me vodka, and I didn’t hear them!”


- "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of"
- "Forgets everything?"
"No, remembers everything".


- "Did you give your wife that lecture on economy you talked about?"
- "Yes!"
- "Any results?"
- "Yes. I have got to give up smoking!"


- "What you give your husband when the dinner does not suit him?"
- "His coat and hat".

Military Diets.

Englishman, American and Russian An English soldier, an American soldier and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.

"In the Russian Army we have 2000 calories of food a day," said the Russian.

"Well," said the Englishman, "In the British Army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."

"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US Army we have 8000 calories of food a day".

At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one man eat so much cabbage?"       Next